Chicago Soy Dairy sent me four pounds of Teese, their new soy cheese. I hosted a pizza party on Sunday night to see what was what.

When it comes to soy cheese, a key phrase from my days as a cubical inhabitant come to mind: “manage expectations.” And I guess as vegans our expectations have been effectively managed. We don’t require much, if it melts we seem to be sufficiently satisfied. That aftertaste of melted crayons? You know what? We can deal with it. But the thing is, most soy cheeses don’t do a good job of melting and so we’re often left with workarounds like broiling or, god forbid, microwaving and some of us even resort to satanic ritual or boiler room deals with shady characters that promise us they can “make it melt.” Then before we know it, we’re missing fingers and our life savings.

Exclusive photos of the star of the evening, thoroughly undressed!

But let me get straight to the point - Teese forking melts! It doesn’t disentigrate or merely become softish. It melts! And our tasters were also pleased with the taste. General consensus was that it was an improved Follow Your Heart and so it was difficult to discuss Teese on its own merit without mentioning FYH. The taste could be described as tangy and creamy. And, to put it bluntly, one tester said “There’s no nice way to phrase it: it definitely didn’t have the funky smell that FYH has when melted.” Granted, she didn’t care much for Follow Your Heart to begin with. Another tester who was a FYH fan said “It seemed to have lower water content, which made it more cheese-like.” But she thought that it was only a minor improvement to FYH. The only place where FYH won out was that people seemed to think it congealed faster when cooling down.

Patty, our Brooklyn Italian vegan tester and professional pizza model, loving on the Teese

But we’re vegans, who cares what we think, right? Let’s get the opinion that really matters - that of people who eat cheese. Well both cheese eaters at our soiree were impressed. They thought the Teese was best compared to a soft, fresh mozzerella. It didn’t have the stretchy stringiness normally associated with pizza parlor cheese. One of our cheese eating testers thought that it could pass for cheese, the other didn’t think it would fool anyone, but he still enjoyed it. He had, like, 8 slices.

As for me, I loved it. It was a joy to work with and I’m excited to get to the pictures so I’m gonna’ go ahead and shut up and let the pizzas do the talking. Since it’s so image heavy, the pizzas are below the cutsky.

You can order a sample here, for 7.50 a pound. Do it, you won’t regret it.

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The boys at Chicago Soy Dairy have been hard at work on their latest product, a vegan cheese called Teese. I have high hopes for this stuff, and I’ll be testing it in my oven at a pizza party next weekend. Until then, you can watch it melt in a pizza oven to a back drop of “Rock You Like A Hurricane.” As if we needed Scorpion to make the melting soy cheese seem exciting!

Teese is being served at a few restaurants in Chicago but not yet available to individual consumers. Hopefully it will be soon! If you have an eatery that serves soy cheese in your hood let them know about this new cheese or contact swade@welovesoy.com and he can get in touch.

All praise to Paula for giving me the title of this blog entry.