I’ve had my share of assed out portobello sandwiches. Over-seasoned, soaked through with too much vinegar and soy sauce, a few jaundiced pieces of lettuce, black gunk mucking up the bread, and oh! let us charge you 12 bucks for the privilege. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Portobellos should be juicy and succulent. What we want to do is coax that luscious flavor out, not hide it with condiments.

BBQ season is here so it’s a great time to learn to grill a portobello just perfectly. You  bite through the focaccia and have that juice spill out all over your face; a little char, slightly salty, complex and earthy.

And this burger works for the “plants have feelings” set, too. Even if you hate animals and hate vegans, it’s time to give up the burgers if you want to leave a little bit of earth to your children (OK, maybe you hate children, too.) There’s just too much evidence mounting against your free-will arguments. The truth is, your burger is ruining everyone else’s day. And with something as yummy as a portobello, well, there really is no excuse! Plus, look at the nutritional differences (nutritional info from my olive oil bottle and the internet.)
Hamburger plus a teaspoon of olive oil
Calories: 250
Fat: 18.5 grams (most of it the bad kind!)
Fiber: 0
Protein: 20

Portobello plus a teaspoon olive oil (the other ingredients are negligible, but adjust as you like)
Calories: 66
Fat: 4.5 (most of it the good kind!)
Fiber: 1.5
Protein: 2.5

So the only place where the burger is winning here is the protein content which you can easily compensate for with a side of quinoa salad. Not to mention that you don’t need 20 grams of protein at every meal. Do your own research, work it out. Don’t be part of the problem, be a part of the delicious, delicious solution.

Grilled Portobello Sandwiches
Makes 4

Grilling really brings out the juicy best in these portobellos, so I use the bare minimum of ingredients to let them really flaunt their flavor. A little (cheap!) chardonnay for depth of flavor, tamari for a bit of saltiness, baslamic for a touch of zest, and garlic for, well, it’s garlic! Choose firm, light colored mushrooms with fresh, healthy looking gills that spring back when you gently rub your finger across them. Don’t remove the gills, they are loaded with flavor and texture, not to mention they soak up garlic and marinade beautifully. Gently wash your caps before marinading and you are A-ok. Skip that anemic hamburger bun and go for a bready focaccia that can stand up to the portobello juices that are bound to make you lick your fingers.

Tip: Save your portobello stems for gravy or broth.

4 portobello mushrooms, stems removed

For the marinade:
1/2 cup dry white wine
2 tablespoons tamari or soy sauce
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced

For the sandwich:
4 nice sized pieces foccacia bread
A few handfuls baby arugula
Slices of sweet onion (like walla walla or vidalia)
Slices of tomato
A little vegan mayo

Place the portobellos gills up in a rimmed baking sheet.

Mix all the marinade ingredients together and spoon over the portobellos. Let marinate for at least half an hour, spooning marinade back onto the mushrooms every ten minutes or so.

Grease up your grill with olive oil and preheat over medium/high. It’s important to keep some oil nearby for brushing the grill through out the cooking process. You can use a grill brush for it, or a paper towel wadded up and grasped in your tongs. You can also use a spray bottle of oil.

Place the mushrooms gill side up on the grill. Close lid and let mushrooms cook for about 5 minutes, lifting the lid to baste shrooms with marinade every few minutes. Use tongs to turn the mushrooms 90 degrees to make cross hatched grill marks; cook for about 3 more minutes. Flip mushrooms over and cook for about 3 more minutes. Your cooking time may vary depending on the size of your portobellos and the temperature of your grill. You know the mushrooms are done when you press on the center with tongs (where the stem used to be) and it’s very soft and juicy.

Remove from heat and let rest for about 5 minutes. This lets the flavors develop a bit and the juices taste even yummier when they are just a little bit cooled down. You can use this time to slice your bread and prep the veggies.

Assemble sandwiches and sink your teeth in.

This is Loca, but I call her Bowie because of her mismatched eyes. And her trend setting ways.

I’m at Eastern Shore Sanctuary for the week, watching Pattrice Jones completely demolish oppression while I cruise the internet and take photographs, with the occasional cooking and dish washing thrown in. I can’t imagine what kind of world we would live in if everyone worked as hard as Pattrice does. Probably a world with lots of happy chickens.

It’s amazing to watch these birds interact, and to hear Pattrice tell their stories. Michael and Christopher drove up to Brooklyn to pick me up along with four hens and a rooster. The hens are already acclimating to sanctuary life. Here they are on their first day. Well, one of them, and the feet of the others.

It’s a myth that you can’t have more than one rooster around hens. There are maybe 40 or so here. And they all have their own personalities, you’d have to be working really hard not see it.

The fighting roosters learn to get along with one another. The “broiler” hens learn to trust. Dogs lick cat’s faces. Ducks talk to humans. When they say that they’re just stupid animals they are lying. Unless they’re talking about humans.

Just up the street 40,000 chickens are crammed into a shed. Watching one chicken here at the sanctuary living her life, pecking at her food and nuzzling her friend or even having a little tiff, it is mind boggling to imagine the cruelty that humans are capable of. I could never hurt these little guys and of course I can’t see killing one. I guess most people just don’t know, or don’t want to know. Of course some don’t even care.

The thing is, if you open yourself up to it there is suddenly beauty everywhere. And if beauty isn’t your thing, how about freedom?

Here’s just a few links to lose your lunch over.

Mystery Meat MacroPhotography

If the words “fat sculpture” and “salami terrain” don’t appeal to you, don’t click this link! Unless you eat salami, then you might want to.

E coli Meat Recall - Topps Hamburger Closes Down

I hope that the newly unemployed workers all start vegan cafes.

An Amputated Leg In a BBQ Smoker

I don’t know, it just kind of makes you think. We have legs. Cows have legs. No one wants their legs in a BBQ smoker.

And because everything here is gross, here’s a pretty picture of amaranth that I took at the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens.

In anticipation of all the new vegans the NY Times article featuring me and Terry is going to spawn, instead of actually wasting my time thinking, I am going to direct you to some awesome vegan information resources.

Vegan Outreach has a great section entitled “Why Vegan?” Guess what? It’s about why you should go vegan! They also have a great vegan starter kit. Get a bunch and annoy your family and co-workers with them.

For something a little more timely, Kathy Freston’s recent article on the Huffington Post discusses environmental reasons to boycott the animal agriculture industry. For instance, did you know that you want your children to have a planet to live on? Read Vegetarian is the New Prius.

Compassion Over Killing is a great outfit that runs lots of great campaigns, including trying to get egg cartons to stop displaying misleading labels.

Last but not least, Ed Begley Junior is vegan. Don’t you want to be a little more like Ed Begley Junior?

Happy veganism, everyone! And I apologize that my kitchen is such a mess, I should have cleaned for you.

*conservative estimates indicate that the article will make half the US population vegan, not including all the people that will die in that time period (because only the dead are truly vegan, but we can still keep them in our statistics)