There were so many heartbreaking talent show stories, but sweetshop’s had all the elements of a compelling tragedy.

1) Interpretive Dance

2) Black Leotard/Peach Tights (also known as BLPT)

3) Moment of glory cut short thanks to Vice Principal

4) Phil Forking Collins

How many vegan lives has Phil Collins destroyed?

Plus, it made me laugh. I’m also going to give it up for Mel’s man Shane for being an outspoken budding vegan in 1987.

Thanks for all the stories, everyone! I think they were reward enough, no? No. I guess not. But there will be more contests so hold on to that humiliation for next time! Mel and Sweet, send me your addresses.

I’ll try to pick the winners for GiveAway #5 later today.

I know I haven’t announced the winners of contest #4, but I really need to handle it with the care it deserves. I don’t want to rip open any old wounds. I promise to announce it tomorrow. But bet your goji berries do I have a fun one for today.

Contest #5, if you choose to accept it, is to create the most offensive “Go Vegan!” flyer that you can. People are always talking about people being turned off from veganism by things that I don’t necessarily think should turn them off, so I thought it would be funny to really turn them off. So gear up your photoshop and get cracking.

There are some limits, though! Firstly, offensive doesn’t mean disgusting, so no pictures of tubgirl or goatse imploring veganism. Keep it semi-clean! Also, nothing racist, sexist or homophobic. That clause is just to insure that no one just duplicates a Peta pamphlet. RIMSHOT!

So be offensive, turn us off, but be funny. Upload your flyer to flicker or whatever so that we can see it. Go vegan or go fuck yourself!

Edited to Add: This contest is over! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Because junior high school was awful and therapy is expensive, the winner of this contest is actually a loser. Tell us about a talent show that you lost. I’ll pick a few losers to send books to.

What is it about a talent show that makes us put our hair in a side ponytail?

For this give away, you’ll need to get a DNA sample from Terry. Or just somehow guess her nationality. Terry’s parents are from two separate countries, can you name them? It’s kind of tough, so I’ll give hints throughout the contest.

Terry in all her glory. Is she even from Earth?

EDIT: The contest is over. Please stop guessing. Come by for a new contest tomorrow!

The 80s weren’t afraid of anything. Even the wholesome family sitcoms covered the issues. Drug addiction, child molestation, racism, homosexuality. And that was just one episode of the Golden Girls. I know that liberal-minded people think that the world has become more conservative and conservative-minded people think the opposite, but I think that today’s political climate makes the Tipper Gore VS Twisted Sister controversy seem downright innocent.

Thanks to everyone who participated in this Give Away for bringing back so many memories. I always wonder how I knew what a vegetarian was as a child, and it must be because of some TV show in the 80s. I definitely never knew any real life vegetarians.

But there can only be two winners. After weeding out my friends from the entries, I’ve decided on Mary’s ALF submission.

“Someone already mentioned ALF?s love for eating cats, but in episode 46 of season 2 ALF attempts to get rid of a a stray dog the family has taken in that is garnering attention away from ALF. ALF gives the dog to a mean woman in the neighborhood.

ALF also saves a cockroach that has invaded the house from the family - Willie keeps trying to spray it with insecticide.

There are many important AR references in ALF.”

Yeah, mumbles had already brought up Alf, but I know him and he doesn’t cook anyway.

“I?m going to make the case for ALF. Every time he tried to eat the Tanner?s cat, he challenged our speciesist hypocrisy by highlighting the absurdity of treating some animals as food sources and others as cherished companions. And he does that in just about every episode. Probably overplaying the message a little, honestly.”

Plus Alf is like A.L.F. and that joke never gets old.

The next winner is Sangu for Punky Brewster.

“There was an episode of Punky Brewster where her dog, Brandon bites a neighbor. The neighbor wants him put down, but it turned out that the neighbor was beating her daughter so Brandon bit her to protect the girl. It ended up being an animal/child abuse/dog saves the day/dog gets to live episode.”

I like this one because it makes connections between human and non-human abuses. And, fine, because I loved Punky Brewster.

As for the Mr. Belvedere thing, that episode where Kevin gets arrested for spray painting fur coats completely inspired me! I know that he gets arrested and the lesson is not to spray paint fur coats, but all that I took from it was that it is awesome to spray paint furcoats. Not that I advocate spray painting fur coats!

Thanks to everyone who participated. It was a really tough decision and some stiff competition. I’d like to leave you with a video from an also-ran, because in the 80s you were allowed to call poachers evil without fear of being branded judgmental even if you were a four foot tall purple alien. And even if it was the 90s. (But really the early 90s were just what I call the post-80s.)

Is there anything vegan about these people?

Name a tv show from the 80s or 90s that has an animal rights episode. There were many - so name the show and what the episode was about. Bonus points for youtube clips! I’ll pick 2 people to receive Veganomicon. Have fun!

Edited: After a little complaining, I changed the rules from sit-com to any TV show and changed it to involve the 90s as well.

SonOfSeitan aka Mike Desert aka Mike Sunburn was the clear winner of the limerick contest with such gems as:

There once was a vegan from Tempe
She loved to suck cork quite a plenty
With an Italian one night
Though try as she might
His erection was barely al dente.

And his softer limerickal side:

Our planet is all going to shit
A fact that few people admit
The cows burp and fart
Up pops a Wal*Mart
As I shine an apple off with my spit

But there was a total conflict of interest there because he was a Veganomicon tester. So he’s going to be getting his book early, plus another book later, but I have to pick a second winner. So after a couple of quick IMs with a few accomplished limerickcists I settled on sugarbeettree:

My date likes to fondle the fruit.
My asparagus thinks it?s quite cute.
But when en route
to a steamy en cro?te
beware the covert ginger root.

I’m not sure what it actually means. But I think what we’ve learned from all this is that either vegans suck at limericks or maybe everyone sucks at limericks or maybe limericks just suck.

Thanks everyone for playing! Sugarbeet, send me your address!

The next contest will probably be over the weekend and definitely will not involve rhyming.

This is the first in a series of Veganomicon giveaways. We’re going to start off easy with a vegan limerick contest. I’ll choose my favorite limerick from among the applicants and send the winner a signed copy of the book tomorrow. You’ve got until 3pm EST Thursday October 11th to harness all the power of your third grade writing skills and post the best vegan themed limerick you can. The clock starts….now!