Mrs. Joaquin Phoenix And Egg Rolls
The rolls in all their glory
Egg rolls not spring rolls. The big fat kind with the crispy doughy wrapper, the kind that you walk down the street eating. For some reason walking down the street eating a spring roll just wouldn’t work, they’re just too dainty.
The only problem? They’re egg rolls. Thus all of the premade wrappers have egg in them. Unlike eggcreams which only threaten you with raw eggs and salmonella, egg rolls mean business and don’t ever come egg free. But what does this have to do with Joaquin Phoenix? Well, I’m sure you know that he’s vegan and I’m sure that makes you write his name on your looseleaf in glitterpen surrounded by a heart. His wardrobe for Walk The Line was pleather, right down to the boots. And in his new movie, Two Lovers, he needed to be walking down the street in Coney Island eating an egg roll. I just happened to have the awesome luck of being in the right family and the right borough. My cousin, a set designer for the movie, called and asked if I could make life like vegan egg rolls for Joaquin. Of course I said, “No problem!”, or more, like “Hell, yes!” and “Swooooooon.”
But I didn’t know how difficult it would be.
Getting the dough just right was the biggest challenge. It needed to be have those signature air bubbles, not the flaky smoothness of a spring roll, so premade wrappers were out of the question. (Well, actually, I tried and it didn’t work.) This necessitated that I make the dough from scratch.
My first try was just a recipe I found on the internet, sans the huevos. That resulted in big brown air bubbles that just didn’t look right. My next try was messing with the texture. I thought that rice flour might give it a grittiness and cornstarch would add a uniform crispiness. I added a tiny bit of oil to compensate for the fat an egg would provide. Finally, I added a little baking powder in hopes that it would make the smaller air bubbles I was looking for. And it worked! Only a little too well. My egg roll looked like it had small pox.
Ultimately I decreased the baking powder and was blessed with little bundles of perfect Chinese take out egg rolls. Getting the heat right proved to be a pain in the butt, as did rolling out each paper thin wrapper individually. I had to fry each separately because I don’t have a deep fryer and it was the only way it would really work. Because of all this, and because deep frying makes your apartment smell so terrible, I’m not even going to share the recipe. It took me 3 hours after experimenting with the dough to make the two dozen that the props department requested. Unless it’s for Joaquin Phoenix, it really just isn’t worth it.
Upon delivering, I didn’t even get to meet him. He was right there, 15 feet in front of me, but he was filming a scene. I left a Veganomicon for him with a terrible inscription (”Dear Joaquin, Yay veganism!” if you must know). But I was happy to be a small part of it and I hope to be able to do more work for them, even if it does make my kitchen smell like a morgue for 2 days.
That’s him to in the dark tan hoodie jacket. He’s filming something, not buying drugs. I think.
November 8th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
He really is a dreamboat.
November 8th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
Some people have deep fryers at home (I’m not naming names, just saying). Share the recipe!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
I always liked River better.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Holy crap! that is….. that is amazing.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
you lucky bitch.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
I want the recipe too! I’ll probably never actually make them, but I want the possibility to be there.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Yay veganism! was the best you could come up with…..no unicorns or hearts or sarcasm or anything?! The eggrolls look awesome and I’m sort of a glutton for punishment so please share the recipe…..I’ll even call them Joaquin Phoenix Not Egg Rolls if you’d like!!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Awesome!
But “Yay veganism here’s my number…” would have been better.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Thanks for the pity comments, everyone. It really means a lot to me.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Isa, it’s time for a “vegan deep fryer” cookbook.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Ah, this made me squeal! I really hope that for some reason he comes across this blog.
And now I absolutely must see this movie upon release.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
So, your egg rolls are gonna be in the movie!!!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Swoooooon is right! Oh, how I love him. You must too, you went to a lot of work for him. I’m sure he will show appreciation somehow.
And when he does, I want details!!!
November 8th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Dude, it was Joaquin Phoenix and the movie was called ‘Two Lovers’.
It’s all about the pity comments.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
I think you two should collaborate on something in the future. The Post Punk Kitchen meets Earthlings.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Oooh that IS exciting. No wonder you threw a fit about it on the board.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
bwahahahahahaha! yay veganism? for reals? oh my god. it hurts. make it stop…
November 8th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Isa, you probably make food for celebrities all the time. Sure, this one is special (and it was so cool of you to give him a book)…. give us more gossip on famous people you cook for. You could probably blog on that subject for days.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Famous famous egg rolls! Next cookbook will need a sticker: “As seen in (Name of Film)!”, or perhaps “As scarfed down by J. Phoenix!”
I did enjoy reading your inventive cooking process. It’s like science, except the failures and successes are yummier.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
This. Is. So. Cool.
Wow.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
“And in his new movie, Two Lovers, he needed to be walking down the street in Coney Island eating an egg roll.”
Ah, lucky egg roll.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
You could have at least gotten us a closeup shot of him tongue-ing the egg roll. Thanks a lot, Isa.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
You’ve made famous eggless rolls! That’s wicked-cool!
November 8th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
That’s pretty awesome! You ever notice how rich people always get wonderful things for free? ::sigh:: So jealous, of both of you!
November 8th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Hey, Kelly stole my comment!
I checked the forum ’cause I had a minute at work and I like to spend more time reading the blog than that. Your post in the foyer led me here looking for a closeup pic of Joaquin. The eggrolls were a close second. Congrats on the fun day.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Sweet. You’re almost ready for the horror flick, grasshopper.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Uh, could I be any more of an Isa fangirl than I already am? Can I, I ask you? I don’t know what I’m swooning over more- Joaquin or the eggrolls… well, drool either way.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
You didn’t address him as Kitten in your inscription?
November 8th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Gosh, I wish Joaquin would eat my eggrolls.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
New York looks like a filthy place…
November 8th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Awesome! The eggrolls look mighty impressive. I used to really dig those and an omni.
Sooo cool, that you got to make them for Joaquin!
Isa—vegan chef to the stars.
November 8th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Just for the record - I am sure the egg rolls tasted like ass. They were in the fridge over night then sitting in tupperware on the street all day while they filmed I am sure.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
I will have to go see the movie, and when the egg rolls come on screen, I will stand up and shout “I know those egg rolls! I know them!!!”
November 8th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Holy SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy SHIT!
I would totally make out with him IF AND ONLY IF he had egg rolls from you with him.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
You are the shit, Isa. No doubt about it. The fucking shit.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
aw, that’s bittersweet. how about Kevin Spacey, Joaquin, you and I go out for dinner. Can someone please arrange that? PLEASE?
November 8th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
you might as well have called him river.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
those eggrolls might be prettier than joaquin.
just saying.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
I would have responded to this sooner if you had asked me to go with you to Coney Island. But you didn’t. So eat it.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
“Yay Veganism”? Really Isa?
Now I’m really a jerk.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
It was like 6 in the morning. That was the best I could do.
November 8th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
He will read the witty insightful comments throughout the book and totally forget the “Yay Veganism” thing….. he will see you as even more multi-dimensional and complex — sweetness in a jaded world. Whenever he films in NY now, he will remember the book and have his people request that only you cater to his private trailer on every shoot…..
provided the egg rolll tasted good
so be it!
November 8th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
six in the morning!
thank god i crossed “extremely successful actor” off my potential careers list. whew.
November 8th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Holy shit girl!!!!! Joaquin has always made me weak in the knees. The fact that you cooked for him is out of this world. You are a fucking Goddess to rise up to the challenge and rock out those amazing eggrolls. Yay Isa!!!!!!!!
November 8th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Wow! Very nice, Isa!
And I’m totally with the people who would like to see the recipe. One never knows when they’ll be appropriate for an even so important we’re willing to spend all day in the kitchen!
November 8th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
PS- Speaking of Veganomicon, did I miss the contest winners for the most offensive Vegan flyers being announced?
November 8th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Holy crap, Isa! Awesome.
The egg rolls look amazing and I want some in my mouth.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Gasp. Isa, you’re such a rockstar.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:15 pm
hey- there are vegan spring roll wrappers that are made from a Thai (I believe company) that I purchase at a Middle Eastern store that come out looking like egg rolls too. Really- you would be surprised. When I go back and get some I will post the name. I don’t remember it offhand. To make then even more egg roll-y, I usually wrap my filling with TWO of them to make them SUPER crispy and dense like real ones. Even still- the ones pictured above look oh so delicious. Yum-my.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Isa, you are TOO cool for school!
November 8th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
They should mention your vegan egg rolls in the credits.
Also 3 hours be damned, share the recipe! I want egg roll, and I don’t care that I’m not Joaquin Phoenix..
Seriously though I hope he sends you a thank you card, you made him forking vegan egg rolls and gave him a free book and he didn’t even say hi (not his fault but still). Thank you cards are in order.
November 8th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Cute story
November 8th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
you are so lucky! Joaquin is v. hot and I always wondered about the little non-vegan things in movies that he would have to put in special requests for. Thanks for sharing!
November 8th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Wow. Just, wow.
November 8th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
This is so cool!
I don’t want the recipe, but can you hand over Joaquin please?
November 8th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
So, if they didn’t get the scene that day, are you gonna have to make two dozen more?
And, um, if you do, can you give Joaquin my headshot, resume and phone number?
November 8th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
I’m not as wise and witty as most of you guys, but I want Isa to know I love her site, board AND blog, so showing some love.
Joaquin is a dreamboat, but I will always remain true to his brother. RIP, River.
November 8th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
totally a vegan deep fry cookbook.
also a vegan making stuff in bulk and freezing it cookbook. but maybe there is one of those. i can only read books isa is involved in, so i don’t know.
November 8th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
oh, you lucky lucky girl. yay veganism!
November 8th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
wait, so you did this for a BOY? not VEGANISM?
November 8th, 2007 at 11:07 pm
AWESOME story. I ::heart:: Joaquin.
November 8th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Woah, they really do look perfect!
November 8th, 2007 at 11:23 pm
BAD you’re right. It will be like -
Producer - Bob Loblaw
Director - Some Dude
Veganism - Isa Moskowitz
November 9th, 2007 at 12:02 am
Ha.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:05 am
Al, I haven’t used it, but you might want to try “Vegan in volume : vegan quantity recipes for every occasion” by Nancy Berkoff.
And it’s completely irrelevant, but I thought some people might find this article interesting “Why women can’t cook - by a very brave husband” (and by interesting, I mean vomit-inducing). http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=492405&in_page_id=1879&in_a_source=
November 9th, 2007 at 2:06 am
soooo cool! when he picked up the book, he was probably thinking “Yay veganism!” anyway so don’t even worry about it… just wait…in time you will get a call about how the chickpea cutlets changed his life!
November 9th, 2007 at 2:24 am
last time i had an eggroll was july 31st 2004.i bought it at the mall,ate half(while walking across the street to develop pictures)and then threw up.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:47 am
You need to close comments (and delete this one) so that Evan’s can be the final word on the subject.
November 9th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Oh Isa, I love you. Not only did you slave til perfection for the movie set of a way cool star, but you shared the powerful truth about your notebook decorated with gel pen hearts & “Mrs Joaquin Phoenix” - now we geeky dorky vegans can rest assured that we are led by an able woman. I myself have stumbled & mumbled & blushed my way thru not one but 2 meetings with my idol Jonathan Richman - & the second one I even had an in - but I just get star struck, then go home & re-imagine the evening over & over & dream we will laugh @ it to our children one day while we sit on the porch of his swingin pad. Veganism Yey!
November 9th, 2007 at 10:03 am
so cool. so lucky. so jealous, even if you were only 15 ft. away.
November 9th, 2007 at 10:12 am
they BETTER put you in the credits.
November 9th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Maybe you’ll get to cater the wrap party.
I’d go see the movie just to read the credits:
Vegan Eggroll Mistress … Isa Chandra Moskowitz
By the way, the eggrolls look truly genuine from the nice photo you posted. I can’t wait to see the recipe. Your book arrived yesterday, too. I’m so impressed — even more than when I saw your other two books for the first time. You and Terry did such a great job! Good for you! I’m so looking forward to digging in and playing with your recipes.
As always, you’re the coolest.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
For any of you Texans out there…. Banyan sells vegan egg rolls in three flavors, traditional, curry, and chipotle (hey, it’s Texas). They are pretty tasty and very easy. But I’m waiting for your recipe Isa, homemade eggrolls? How cool.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
ooh, you are so lucky. You never know, Joaquin might fall so in love with your awesome vegan food that he’ll demand to have it written into his contract for you to be there to make yummies for him at all times.
November 9th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
man, my former coworker would be so jealous of you, isa. she *loves* her some joaquin phoenix.
good job on the inscription!
November 9th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Katie you should think about a career in credit development.
That would be an awesome credit roll, worth siting through the movie to see.
November 9th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
you should put it in your cv - eggrolls for J. Phoenix.
or have him sign an eggroll and keep it on a shelf, calling it my precious.
November 10th, 2007 at 1:59 am
I guess this means you won’t be making any for the rest of us.
I would kill a bitch if I didn’t get to meet him.
November 10th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
There are no words for how awesome this is.
November 10th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Gawd, they look for real. Excellent job. I’m sure they didn’t taste any more like ass than authentic cold day-old takeout eggrolls. No matter what, he’s going to look delicious eating them in the movie. Am I wrong?
You giving him *your* autograph is the best part of this story.
November 10th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
OMG-those egg-free rolls look awesome! Final recipe? I miss egg rolls.
November 10th, 2007 at 6:23 pm
I know this was posted 2(3?) days ago, and i can’t belive no one’s thought of this, but: Geust apperance? by Joaquin? on the next ppk episode? duh?
so be sure to follow up on that, isa, he owes you big time!!
November 11th, 2007 at 1:37 am
Definitely a lucky girl!!
November 11th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
Lovely veggie rolls. I’m waiting eagerly for the recipe. I’m curious to know what scene required egg rolls, and why they had to look just like egg rolls!
November 15th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Ooh ooh, love him. He’s sexy…and vegan!
I hope you got paid for all your hard work.
November 15th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
This is too hilarious!
I don’t think in all my days as an omnivore I ever walked down the street with an egg roll…
but you’re right, Isa. Spring rolls are far too dainty to grab a hold of.
My assumption is that Joaquin’s junk is more like an egg(less) roll than a spring roll
December 11th, 2007 at 4:40 am
“yay veganism” sounds like something I would write…no wait, in hindsight that’s actually cooler than something I would write. I get starstruck so easily I’d probably end up scribbling chicken scratch that looks something like “gaaahhhblegh veganism *drool* pleeef”
HAHA! Thanks, I love your blog.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I didn’t know he was a vegan! Awesome.
I coincidentally saw him in a coffee shop in L.A. this past summer. He said “excuse me” as he reached across me to grab a lid.
Did I mention that I hadn’t even bothered to shower?
April 17th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
what is the recipe for your egg roll wrappers?
September 17th, 2008 at 9:25 am
i love egg rolls