Fedex and the conspiracy to silence veganism
There have been studies that show butterflies more attracted to paper butterflies that are bigger and more colorful than real butterflies, and I figured that’s what was happening with my FedEx guy. He would approach the door of my building, get enraptured with a shinier buzzer than my own, ring that one, walk away in an endorphin riddled daze, forgetting to even leave a tag on my door.
But on Saturday, the day that a proofread manuscript of Veganomicon was scheduled to arrive, I knew something far more sinister was afoot. I sat here all day, tracking the package with space age technology. Running downstairs every 2 minutes just to make sure. Only to be disappointed by a 3pm update informing me that I wasn’t even home. My first thought was that I was actually long dead, a ghost caught in limbo, foolishly awaiting the arrival of a package that would never come.
But then it occurred to me - FedEx hates veganism.
A quick google search confirmed my hunch. A boolean* string of “fedex veganism” turned up a mere 446,000 hits. Meanwhile, “fedex meat”… an earth shattering 1,090,000.
I immediately bitch voiced the FedEx lady and was forced to take my earthly trappings all the way to the macabre industrial park where FedEx houses their demonic minions, each keeping close eye over our packages, caressing them with their talons, grotesque mouths agape and spilling acidic drool over their surfaces. Few are allowed in and even fewer are allowed out. But it was a chance I was willing to take.
Long story short, I brought a photo ID, signed on the dotted line, picked up the package, littered in their parking lot out of spite and now I have the manuscript and can send back my edits! Note: the unicorns will not be included on the final cover.
*I don’t actually know what “boolean” means.
Manuscript plus toe
Fizzle guards the Veganomicon, nay! Veganism!
It’s like I’m studying for the bar
October 4th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
[…] FedEx may hate veganism but UPS loves it! This post will be written entirely in explanation points! Well, words and sentences! That all end in explanation points! Ok, no forget it, that’s even annoying me. I wish I knew how to make an interrobang. […]
October 6th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
I love the picture with Fizzle! He’s cute. Keep guarding the world of veganism, Fizzle.
October 7th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Re: “I don’t actually know what “boolean” means.”
I used to know, but forgot; in college (over 20 years ago, folks), we actually learned programming and “boolean” was a function. The NIST dictionary lists boolean as:
www.nist.gov/dads/HTML/boolean.html
(1) In computer science, entities having just two values: 1 or 0, true or false, on or off, etc. along with the operations and, or, and not.
(2) In mathematics, entities from an algebra equivalent to intersection, union, and complement over subsets of a given set.
Math and me are just nodding acquaintances, if that.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:05 pm
BORDERS HAS NO RECORD OF YOUR COOKBOOK EVEN BEING PUBLISHED!!!
No joke! I have been told for 2 weeks at Numerous Borders stores that they have NO record of your cookbook’s release. I was also told that I wouldn’t find it anywhere, but lo and behold… I called the Barnes and Noble’s in town and not only did they have a record, but they have the book in stock! The only thing is…I’m broke and HAVE to wait until it somehow shows up at Border’s so I can use the $25 gift card I have, otherwise I won’t be able to get it. The numerous Border’s people I talked to said that they don’t have any POTENTIAL date of when they will get it in the stores. They also said that they thought the publisher “pushed back the date indefinetly”.You can check online too. Borders.com under “veganomicon” says “NO REALSE DATE”. I thought I would let you guys know, because with the large vegan population of Ann Arbor, I’m sure you guys are missing out on sales. This is the home of Borders and where the flagship store still is. I WISH I could get your book!!!
November 10th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I’m just commenting to let you know that I love the fact that one of your tags is ’shut up isa’.